jokes about getting old and forgetful

An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. "In four years it'll look good to you.". I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, whos three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. The clerk shook his head, said, Never On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. A doctor told my 90 year old aunt to stop buying green bananas. As soon as you feel too old to do a thing, do it.. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks Honey. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnt remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down., The second lady says, You think thats bad? When youre old, the doctor tells you to slow down, not the police. Then he began to gather her information. In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? How about my misspent youth, joked my husband. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in a year. What do stars and dentures have in common? Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! "Works every time.". One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. "My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. ===))> .., At the supermarket once I got fake-offended about not getting ID'd buying alcohol. Someone got hold of a stack of old Reader's Digest again, didn't they? 3. One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. I didn't. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you havent changed in 20 years." Three rather deaf old ladies walking down the street. Good, says the grandmother. Do you think I look like them? ""Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. When I was 70, I forgot about it. That Im one year closer to being back in diapers. Gee, thats great! Said he sees were from Monmouth replied the little old man. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. Where are my keys?". When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. Dont worry about avoiding temptation. And now that Im 80, the damn things are growing wild! Wont even look at a cow. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. I get a little every month but not enough to live off. Thank you for helping to ensure the accuracy of this listing! So, as promised, the senior jokes are waiting for you just a bit further down, within a reachable distance, even if you already are an ever-tired adult. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. 33. Your account is not active. And why dont you write that down so you wont forget? Nonsense, said the husband, I can remember a dish of ice cream!, Well, said the wife, Id also like some strawberries on it. Youre going There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. 15. 6. I asked. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my My husband can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. "Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. A Doctor came by and said, Let me help you. The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright. Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says There is no justice in this world. When the couple finished, the Doctor said Theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. And he charged them $10.00. Getting old doesnt have to be sad. M., via rd.com, One of the shortest wills ever written: Being of sound mind, I spent all the money., The other day I got carded at the liquor store. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.My middle-aged wife put him at ease. 18. He said, I have a 22 year old wife at home. ", The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. Theyll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first. "How'd you do it?" ?" Glass?". One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. 16. WebMake fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. Poof! Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? Source: Funny in Spain Survey. I patted her hand reassuringly and said, Thats vaping products.. Glass?" So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. "Howd you do it?" When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock and two horses, Razzle and Dazzle. For. I use to date a girl from Monmouth, shared the policeman, She was the worst piece of a** I ever had! What, what did he say? said the little old lady. As your good looks fade, so will their eyesight. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. He suddenly grew indignant. ""Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. Old Man: We have sex every day! He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him. The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. , "After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. "I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. Im baldwell, balding. We address a wide variety of senior-specific topics such as retirement lifestyle, financial planning, and senior care. She called the clerks office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. 2. 21. 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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it. His thoughtful reply: When I wasnt good, and I wasnt old. F. ", He could call her by any other name and she would still smell as sweet, "My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. Visiting his parents retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. By the time I put on my outfit, the class was over. "Oh," said Mom, horrified. One of them, Frank, gushes over a restaurant he had taken wife to the previous weekend to celebrate their 60th anniversary.You have to take your wife there, the service is excellent, the food was delicious, it was honestly the best restaurant experience Ive ever had.His friend, impressed, asks him what the name of the restaurant is.Frank replies Um Ugh I cant remember. After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he says, Hey, wait, whats the name of that, that flower? As a kid, you think you're never gonna try it. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football. While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. Grandma says, "Youre welcome. "You should never ask an adults age," I broke in. One of them shouted, "Kathy, you got your braces off!". asked Fred. The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Me: Thats quite the age difference! Hubby's reading the paper while his wife is checking herself out in the mirror. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids? 20. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in our rich suburban neighborhood. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. I asked. Ouch, this was some seriously rough honesty. "Easy," she said. Please, Seora, the poor man pleads, I havent eaten all day. Good, says the grandmother. All rights reserved. I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and hes weird; I dont know him and Im afraid! What happens to your blood type when you get really old? Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Click here for more information. One of my fourth graders asked my teachers assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Woman Takes DNA Test For Fun Only To Discover Her Long-Term Boyfriend Is Her Full Sibling, Woman Flabbergasted At Thrift Store's Prices, Calls Them Out By Sharing 14 Examples, "I Just Said Thank You And Left": Mans Nice Gesture Is Praised After Pizza Hut Driver Got A $20 Tip On A $938 Order, 50 Times People Were So Surprised With How Perfectly Things Lined Up, They Just Had To Document It, Woman Is Upset That Neighbors Shed Is Too Big, Calls Inspector, Regrets It When They Maliciously Comply, European Is Shocked To Learn How American Suburbs Work, Goes Online To Ask Some Accurate Questions, "Never Come Back To My Restaurant": Chef Bans Rude Restaurant Patrons And Gives $1,350 Bill To 22 Y.O. "What are you doing?" Dont you mean 30 years younger? I asked. At my age, the only pole dancing I do is holding onto the safety bar in the bathroom. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. he said. 2. Hes like a machine! Theres a damn Democrat on my front porch and hes playing with himself.. Apparently, you can't go alone. Young Lad: Wow, its a special day for you. Then another prisoner stands and I see your from Monmouth, N.J. observed the policeman. You wont see wrinkles when you look in the mirror. Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on? he asked again. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs. One hour after falling asleep on his rocking chair. How far do you think I can kick the bucket?. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye. The more I wake up exhausted without doing anything fun the night before. 11. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought hed humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today? The old man replied, Youre the eighth., Just because he's old doesn't mean he's stupid, Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size. So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, Hows your love life? I dont know, he said. He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she wont hear of it. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. Hes a fun guy. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. The clerk shook his head, said, Never mind, and rang me up. Yes, says Sally, A lock of my husbands hair. But Larrys still alive. I know, but his hair is gone., "Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower. WebJoke: 3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem Getting old isn't a lot of fun, but it sure can be funny! Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. After removing the picture from the frame, I turned it over, hoping to find a date. The daughter says "God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." Happy birthday! He shook his head. George Bernard Shaw. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. Bob Hope He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude. In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "I had been thinking about coloring my hair. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. WebA diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. How long exactly? How could you get lost? "I got an SUV." They sit down and after a while Mary says: "How foolish of me! 9 Likes, 5 Comments - Inspiring Art & Creativity! "They were seated immediately. Mria Murillo, "While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. ", Death is always lurking around the corner. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour. "It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. As I was taking out my ID, my Blockbuster card fell out. Why should seniors take it easy on their birthday? At my age, getting a little action means I dont need to take a laxative. When they got home, the wife said, Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? An old couple was sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. You're always making new friends. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. One liner tags: age, women 82.38 % / 1672 votes. Make fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors. Poof! Please feel to send me your suggestions and feedback through the contact form. "I thought so," he concluded. The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age. Patient: Well, the older ones didnt give me any grandkids, so I made my own." Why do seagulls fly over the After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. Why some of the "old people jokes" are about peoples in their 40..I feel old!! I can't find it." There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. ", An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. How old are you? a tenant asked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old mans ear and said, Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!, Rats, said the old man. Dont stop looking until youve searched every nook and granny. 2. You can read more about it and change your preferences. Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows! he told his pal. Authors; Topics; Movie Quotes; TV Show Quotes; Some of these elder citizen jokes are painfully relatable even if youre just a measly thirty years of age, while others might give you a good idea of what to expect once another three decades pass. She stopped me there. "Windy isn't it", said the first. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!. The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once. Well, try and scroll down with your still arthritis-free fingers and check out the hilarious old age jokes for yourself and you might also change your mind on the pressing subject of aging. Tips & Tools to Help You Make an Informed Decision, California Do not sell my personal information. "I filled the car with gas in February.". Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. She looked disappointed. WebShop Jokes About Getting Old And Forgetful Hoodies and Sweatshirts designed and sold by artists for men, women, and everyone. Getting old is a fact of life, and no one can avoid it. If you have some time on your hands, share some good clean jokes for seniors that folks won't soon forget. Your age! And I don't like to say I'm losing my hair, because that makes it sound like had I been more responsible, this wouldn't have happened. said my father-in-law at dinner. Now we just lay on the bed and tie each others shoes. "How do you do it?". "Nice." Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right? Have a great birthday! 15. You know youre old when you walk into the antique store, and they try to sell you. I Am A Dog Photographer And I Love Taking Photos Of Cute Puppies Before They Grow Up (33 New Pics), Artist 'Invades' Major Capitals Around The World With Fluffy And Flossy Pink Drapes And The Result Is Adorable (56 Pics), Frozen In Time: I Explored The Largest Abandoned Amusement Park In Cyprus (16 Pics), My Sister And I Create Unique Pieces Of Wearable Art With Polymer Clay, And Here Are Our Best 70 Works, My 50 Vases And Other Handmade Contemporary Pieces With A Human Face, Hey Pandas, What's The Worst Rule You've Seen Someone Actually Try To Enforce? This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. Why shouldnt you wear glasses as you get older? Related: Funny Trivia Questions and Answers. Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide one evening that they are getting older, and it's time they learned to swear. "Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room, "One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. Yes! She was the richest woman in the world. "Definitely," he says. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them. Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. "Now take off your arm.". "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. All your relatives keep reminding you how old you are. WebElderly Man Thinks Fast. Well, my memorys just as good as its always been, knock wood. She raps the table. Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, hed be screwing somebody!. Poof! "Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?" "Yes, the works." "I lost it. Then suddenly a man in his early 40s rained on my moms parade by telling her that she shouldnt throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa, says the stranger. "That's okay," Harriett said smiling. OK, dear, but Id like you to put some whipped cream on top. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Instead, my mother had written, "128 lbs.". Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Can't take my arm off, but I can give you the finger. They all look like that.. Whats a hipster? asked my four-year-old cousin. "After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically. I jokingly said to her. David Bowie. 19. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. Getting older is like living in a haunted house. "What's more than usual?" Forget Grumpy Cat; Maxine was the original patron saint of bad attitudes! "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. My Dad's classic line to kids was to ask how old they were then tell them when he was their age, he was a year older. "How about my misspent youth," joked my husband. At this age, the only joint youre rolling is your ankle. "Don't worry," she said. "Cool, Grandma!" "What are you doing?" And if there's one thing seniors have in abundance is a good sense of humor. ". I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail.". The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. "Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a year?" ", John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "Id love to be ten again." Old Man: Yes, its my birthday today (and he is still crying). You take pictures with cameras, not walking sticks! Forget it once. Supper? It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I'm so mad, I'm taking you off my pallbearer list!". My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me hed drunk more than usual the day before. Oh yes he had a whale of a time. My doctor told me to start exercising so I joined aerobics for seniors. What does a senior name their new ranch? Its taped under the modem, I told him. "What does that do? "For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." Youll forget, said the wife. ", John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. ", "For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. Too Many Figurines A young girl watched her grandmother move several duck figurines from the bottom shelf to the middle shelf of a cabinet. Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. Learn more about Box of Puns. The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts? No, he replied, Arthritis., You know youre getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?. Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse. What kind of pills were they? asked the friend. "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Andrea Price. Note: this post originally had 133 images. "Id have One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. "Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. The old man replied, Youre the eighth.. 1. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I was amazed how easy it was after I tried itGOOD LUCK.. Enjoy! Decorate your laptops, water bottles, notebooks and windows. She gets to heaven and asks the Lord, "What happened? Take life lightly and laugh. Well, yes, she said reluctantly. Thank you!Rose? he calls out to his wife, What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend? Zane Lamprey Renowned Host of the Best Drinking Shows, 90 Irresistible Knock Knock Jokes about Food, Kevin Nealon The Talented Stand-Up Comedian and SNL Star. "For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. Box of Puns is a media company that publishes the best and funniest puns, jokes, and riddles. 3 years ago A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge. she asked. "Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. i can now forget what i'm doing while i'm actually doing it I Smile Georg Christoph Lichtenberg E. E. Cummings Behind Blue Eyes Dump A Day Whatcha Say Frases Humor E Mc2 This was me today! The old man moved to Hawaii to live the life of a dentured surfing dude. I uh, I forget the third one. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. 14. Yeah, sure, you get somewhat wiser, more composed, and even might have an idea what to do with your life. But Larrys still alive. I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. "Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? And yes, you can get passport photos there (in someone of them). "When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partnerboth EMTsrushed to her home. Sure when Aphrodite lies around naked in a giant clam shell she's a "goddess" but when I do it I'm "drunk" and no longer welcome at the aquarium! When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." The bartender put the change in the tip cup. Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. Young Lad: Married!! After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. But, on the other hand, there are pains and aches from having slept in an awkward position, theres the handful of vitamins to be swallowed each morning, and theres the graying hair and sagging skin.

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